Tis the season’ …for aging. I turn 38 this month and it’s sparked some reflection. For example, I seem to remember thinking ‘35’ was cool and sophisticated, ‘36’ less cool but still sophisticated and ‘37’, potentially ‘stately’ but no longer cool. So, ‘38’ feels as if I am being moved to a slightly more serious row of cellblocks, one step closer to ‘dead youth walking’. What’s recently occurred to me is that I may, in fact, be ‘middle age’. I’ve attempted to confirm this ubiquitous label but there doesn’t seem to be a solid definition, just the foggy air of terms like ‘Over the Hill’ and the scent of mothballs...but no clarity.
Initially, it occurred to me that I should look to history for guidance on middle age as history repeats itself…much like old people. After some contemplation, I noticed there were potentially direct correlations like, the ‘Middle Ages’. Most scholars believe this time period began with the fall of the Roman Empire around 410 and continued through the 1300’s. The term "Dark Ages" was also coined to describe what historians considered to be a social and cultural decline during the early periods of the Middle Ages; this included a time period defined by pervasive warring, political unrest, plague, and torture. This must be relevant. Maybe early middle age is much like the Dark Ages, a time period marked by social and cultural decline (the purchase of a sports car and internet dating), the plague or other health hysterias (your first hernia operation), torture (enumerable responsibilities), and of course factional warring and civil unrest (divorce). Luckily, my teeth aren’t really all that bad and I have no rats in my apartment. Life is good.
In the end, history failed to offer me much direction so I considered whether mathematically, I was just plain in the ‘middle’ of it all. By most accounts, it appears that the life expectancy in the U.S. for ‘someone born today’ is 78. That’s what we miss when we reference life expectancy…the ‘someone born today’ part. It doesn’t say…’the person reading this table can expect to live to 80’. What a useless statistic! - nobody ‘born today’ cares how long they are going to live as they have a lot bigger things on their mind, like breastfeeding. I digress. Regardless, I was able to track down the fact that for those born in 1971 they could, at that time, expect to live to 68. It would thus appear I hit ‘Over the Hill’ 4 years ago at the ripe old age of 34. Sigh, another futile attempt at clarity.
All I really know is that I am aging and somewhere between mature youth and the Middle Ages. I have begun a list of observations with the hope that I can come to some conclusive test that pinpoints my exact whereabouts in this ‘process’.
A few observations from the past year:
- I no longer find fads cool. Example – I dislike neon, I disliked it in the Eighties and I dislike it more now…and it’s back.
- I find myself living through something horrible ‘twice’ (e.g., Neon); experiencing cyclical fashion trends should be a factor in any aging formula.
- I discovered my first nose hair and after some alarm determined to ‘pluck it’ with a tweezers. Given that nose hairs are actually connected to your toes and belly button through a series of pissed off nerve endings…the ‘plucking’ resulted in profound tearing of the eyes and much pain.
- I discovered my first rogue hair growing on my ear. Being scarred from the nose hair incident, it took me three days to deal with the hair. I ultimately found that I could ‘pluck’ rogue ear hairs.
- I purchased a nose hair clipper. Note: nobody in their 20’s owns a nose hair clipper.
- I realized the coolest movie from my youth pegs the cheese meter (e.g., Top Gun) and further discovered that a movie star I used to love when pubescent hormones choked off my sanity…looks a tad weathered (e.g., Molly Ringwold).
- For the first time in my life I found, <gulp>, an instance, <gulp>, where the music was too loud (e.g., Motorhead concert).
- I found myself at a Motorhead concert.
- I hurt myself doing something I used to be pretty good at: example - I played racquetball for the first time in 8 years and without stretching...served a mean, ill intentioned, serve to my opponents backhand. In turn, this abrupt bodily action caused me to pull my hamstring: total playing time = 3 minutes.
- I realized that something I used to be good at…nobody does anymore (e.g., racquetball).
More to come...
*note: work and holiday season are putting a serious damper on blogobility.