Giving Umbrage

An Earth Day Allegory

Once upon a time there lived a large shaggy dog.  The dog lived through many hardships in its life and developed a rough outer coat over time.  Despite it’s occasional suffering the dog was resilient and while impossible to train, generally good natured.

 

Upon the dog there lived a colony of fleas.  The colony was expansive, organized, and covered much territory upon the dog.   Occasionally, the colony caused the dog discomfort but generally, the dog was oblivious to its enumerable guests.   When the dog felt noticeable discomfort from the colony’s many activities and antics, it would scratch…creating widespread chaos throughout the colony and occasionally, closing the colony's many airports.       

 

One day the colony agreed amongst its elders that it was time to honor all that the dog had given the colony.   The colony would, from this day forward, honor the dog with a great celebration each flea new year.   Normal activities that caused the dog displeasure would be prohibited and the fleas would sit together, in harmony, and praise their resolve to keep the dog clean and happy.  This brought much peace amongst the fleas and even inspired them to song. 

 

Early in the next flea new year, the shaggy dog felt great angst and shook wildly, destroying the great flea colony.  After the shaking, the shaggy dog felt better and went for a great walk through the forest.  Unbeknownst to the shaggy dog, several forest ticks attached themselves to its underbelly.

 

Happy Earth Day

 

 

Don't Mind Me

 

A while back my 6 year old daughter and I ran across the above specimen at the science museum.  My daughter inquired, “Is that a real human brain?”, to which I responded, “Why yes, I think it is, they must not have been using it anymore.”  We chuckled and she moved on to the volcano exhibit.  I on the other hand had a more difficult time moving on.

 

I am not sure what you need to check on your driver’s license application to have your brain end up in a jar but I intend to call the DMV to get clarification.   If a simple checkbox does exist I would like to at least have the option to choose the message that is stuck to my jar.  The message on this jar clearly reads, “Human Brain: please do not pick up or shake”.  I guess I am not sure if I would mind (no pun intended) being picked up if my brain was left in this state, I might actually enjoy the companionship. And, while I wouldn’t ‘love’ being shaken, I would probably be more concerned with being left in the back window of a car during a summer scorcher (I hate being hot) or being permanently displayed in Fargo, North Dakota (there’s just not much going on there and people talk funny).

 

Finally, and not to be picky, but I would also like the option of choosing the color of my jar’s liquid, maybe something with a blue hew like that juice in the Magic Eightball.   I might even let you shake me, you know for old times sake, if I had that blue juice….noting, specifically, that I am talking about the Magic Eightball blue juice and ‘not’ the blue juice used to sterilize combs.  If my brain was peering through a pile of combs, it wouldn’t be happy.

 

I don’t mind if my heart keeps someone alive or my eyeball provides a window to the world for a stranger’s mind.  I just request that the sacred engine and keeper of my life’s love, joy and emotions isn’t sitting in a pickle jar.

I'm Just a Healthcare Bill

 

When life gets hectic, the blog withers from lack of care and TLC.  I’ve killed off a fair number of plants this way and even a sick bird I forgot I was taking care of in the garage (kidding).  Part of the problem is that I occasionally throw too much into a post so I am changing my tune - it’s now ‘ok’ to just pass along a thought.  Basically, I am changing my approach a bit and no longer attempting to write the Sistine Posting each time. 

 

Anyway, it occurred to me that despite my legal education and encyclopedic knowledge of Schoolhouse Rock, the path that Obama-care took to become law is nothing less than baffling.  I refer back to the gospel that is the original ‘I’m Just a Bill Sitting Here on Capital Hill’…hum with me:

 

Boy: Woof! You sure gotta climb a lot of steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?

 

I'm just a bill.


Yes, I'm only a bill.


And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.


Well, it's a long, long journey


To the capital city.


It's a long, long wait


While I'm sitting in committee,


But I know I'll be a law someday


At least I hope and pray that I will,


But today I am still just a bill.

 

Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage.

 

Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just an idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local Congressman and he said, "You're right, there oughta be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.

 

I'm just a bill.


Yes I'm only a bill,


And I got as far as Capitol Hill.


Well, now I'm stuck in committee


And I'll sit here and wait 


While a few key Congressmen discuss and debate


Whether they should let me be a law.


How I hope and pray that they will,


But today I am still just a bill.

 

Boy: Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

 

Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to report on me favorably, otherwise I may die.

 

Boy: Die?

 

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Oooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! Now I go to the House of Representatives, and they vote on me.

 

Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?

 

Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again.

 

Boy: Oh no!

 

Bill: Oh yes!

 

I'm just a bill.


Yes, I'm only a bill


And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill


Well, then I'm off to the White House


Where I'll wait in a line


With a lot of other bills


For the president to sign


And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.


How I hope and pray that he will,


But today I am still just a bill.

 

Boy: You mean even if the whole Congress says you should be a law, the president can still say no?

 

Bill: Yes, that's called a veto. If the President vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress and they vote on me again, and by that time you're so old.

 

Boy: By that time it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?

 

Bill: No!

 

But how I hope and I pray that I will,


But today I am still just a bill.

 

Congressman: He signed you, Bill! Now you're a law!

 

Bill: Oh yes!!!

****

 

In reviewing this cornerstone of constitutional interpretation what occurs to me is that the following stanza must not have made it into the final cut:

 

I'm just a bill.


Yes, I'm only a bill,


And if they don’t vote for me on Capitol Hill,


Well, then I'm off to committee


Where I'll be broken in two,

One piece of me to be approved

While the other slides through,

For the president to sign,

Under procedural snaffoo,


And if he signs me then I'll be a law,

That is, until the repeal…

 

Republican:  OH NO!

Democrat: OH YES!

 

This is not a political statement…call it a procedural satire.