Balloon Closure

T. Cruise would call me ‘glib’ for this tired post but I need closure on Balloon Boy and the Buffoon Family (it’s been a long week).  I am not averse to a good hoax, just the immeasurable stupidity of poor execution.

First, every 6 year-old on earth is a KGB trained double agent, bouncing between wide-eyed truth telling and artful lie peddling. They cannot be trusted under any circumstances – not with the silly or mundane and certainly, not with national secrets.  These are people that are forced to watch TV shows starring 7 ft yellow birds, slightly skewing their ability to discern truth and reality. 

The point is - if (or when) I had an elaborate family hoax, the last person in the family to receive the final black ops details would be my 6 year-old.   She can’t keep a secret, cracks under pressure and will tell you, ‘unicorns came and stole my cat’ - just because she is bored. 

More importantly, once a family hoax is in full swing, I would never, under any circumstances, show up on Larry King Live.  I wouldn’t even show up on Larry King if there were no hoax at all and I had won a sweepstakes to be on the show.  Larry King could ask my daughter her name and I have no idea what she would say:

Larry:  “What a day for you little girl, all this attention, how are you feeling?”

My 6 year-old: “My dad watches TV naked and feeds my brother cigarette butts.” - ‘no’, none of this is true.

Before signing off on this subject, let’s at least mention the other lesson from this ridiculous story - roving reporters aren’t always the smartest lot.  First, the title ‘roving’ is reserved for reporters that upper management doesn’t want at the channel nerve center; mainly, because their hair and dental work are not suitable for extended close-up.   I actually love the footage of the Denver-based ‘roving reporter’ sprinting to the balloon landing site, breathing heavily, dirt kicking up from his heals…focused, alert.  As he anxiously takes his groundbreaking footage and the commentary begins, you can’t help but ask…so, um, er’, there is a boy in that tinfoil picnic basket?

Cut me some slack, it’s been a long week.  

Comments

[Hoss]

So a) I'm pretty pissed that my comment on your last post wasn't posted. Dick.

b) you call this timely? jeezus balloon boy is nearly as passe as britney spears jokes. When can I expect that hilarious 'Hey did you see the Hindenberg landing? What a blast!' post?

c) I'm just fucking with ya...you're still funny. The part about you watching tv naked is chortle-worthy if it weren't true.

Hoss

[Kelly]

Posted, I just figured out how to let posts in. I am working on a great Iran-Contra piece. You rock, lol.